About 15 years ago I once accidentally ate some dishwasher detergent. How can that be, you may be asking yourself? How can a grown woman (at age 32) accidentally eat detergent? Well it's kind of a long story but I'll try to condense it.
When my kids were little I had some hard plastic straws that I used to put in the dishwasher occasionally. You also need to know that I like to drink chocolate milk. But I only drink chocolate milk with the Nestle's Quik at the bottom of the glass and the milk on top. Then I drink it with a straw and slurp the chocolate last. My son thinks he invented this method of drinking chocolate milk, but I was doing it 20 years before he was born--but I digress.
So I prepared my glass of milk, pulled a straw out of the dishwasher, and started sucking. The sucking was really difficult and I couldn't figure out why. So I sucked and sucked and sucked and finally some hard crunchy stuff came out of it. It didn't taste like chocolate, but I figured maybe the Quik is a little stale or old or HOLY SHIT IT'S NOT QUIK IT'S DISHWASHER DETERGENT.
You know how it feels when you're instantly panic stricken? The blood rushes to your head and you're hyper alert? "Well," I thought, "I'm going to die. Not only do I have 2 little kids asleep upstairs, but I'm alone down here...what do I do?"
So I called Poison Control. Naturally I had that number handy because I'm SO CAREFUL ABOUT EVERYTHING. This is how the conversation went:
"Hello, Poison Control"
"Hi, I need some help. I just accidentally ate some dishwasher detergent. I don't know what to do."
"How old are you?"
"Look it's a long story, just tell me what to do! I have 2 little kids asleep upstairs!"
"Alright, hold on while I talk to a doctor."
New voice now: "Ok, Miss, how much did you consume?"
"About a teaspoon."
"How much do you weigh?"
"As much as a Tyrannosaurus Rex."
"OK [chuckling] then that's not bad. Drink a couple of liters of water over the next couple of hours. Don't take any aspirin for at least a week. You'll be fine."
So I hung up, drank my water, and spent the rest of the night awake, peeing and coming down from my adrenalin high. Feeling thankful, grateful, glad to be alive, humiliated, ashamed, guilty, and happy all rolled into one. Now I know how people can accidentally get poisoned--even grown-ups. Believe me, it's not as hard as you might think--especially if you're an idiot.
I initially intended to tell several of "my dumbest things" in this post; but there are so many to choose from! So I've decided to break them up and publish them one at a time. Enjoy.